I’m throwing that word on the fire. I’m tossing it to the wolves, so they can chew on the edges until it is raw and bleeding and gone. My brain does not work on balance. My life either feels all in or pulled back to handle the current stressors and joy of each chapter.
As a mother, I come across thousands of graphics a day that tell me how to BALANCE. I’ve tried them, and come out flailing and on my way to failing. Most days I’m just trying to keep up, stay present, and remember to enjoy the swirl of change happening around me.
Life is wonderful chaos. Never will I find the sweaty peace and Namaste I might stir up in yoga class, reaching my branches up like a tree. The word balance to me feels unobtainable- I’m the gymnast on the beam that stumbles and smacks her nether-regions in a way the sun don’t shine.
I stopped to think mid-brain combustion with my toddler the other day. She was doing something wild, the house was already in shambles by 8 a.m., and naptime seemed far, far, away- it was going to be awhile before I would obtain a small smidgen of relief.
In that moment, my frustration was overwhelming, and anxiety was taking over. My thoughts twirled like this:
“Have grace now. Find the humor in this; it really is in here somewhere. There’s got to be a way I can handle this intentionally-oh wait- I can’t find the BALANCE!” There’s just no way to balance all the feelings that rush at me in a moment like that.
I feel like a bad mom when I can’t balance out the situation as a calm collected adult. I feel like a bad mom when life gets to me in general. I feel even worse when I forget to remember what a blessing this all is and get lost in what I have and have not done, or obtained.
I want so much more for me and my little family than this stressed out mom that feels like she’s not cutting it.
I’ve started asking myself: Does that dish really NEED to be cleaned right now? Or does my kid need a concentrated fifteen minutes of my attention for this all to cool down? Do I need to make that dish/project/whatever perfect- or can we pop a pizza in the oven, throw some glitter at paper, and call it good? This doesn’t mean I’m looking at life with glazed over eyes.
Instead, I’m waving a white flag and acknowledging that I can’t be a mom/wife/all these other roles AND make amazing meals AND do X,Y, Z in “balance”.
I’m accepting that balance is bust and I’m a happier person because of it.
Does the term balance work for you?